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Thailand -

Whippits and Hospital Visits

I’m walking home late at night in Bangkok when a ladyboy (another word for a transvestite) walks straight up to me and attacks my genitals. Dear god his(its?) hands are powerful. Feel emasculated. Freak out and push away. I start walking and reach into my pockets. Realize wallet is gone. Cheeky bastard pick pocketed me. Apparently the maneuver is balls with one hand, flip out wallet with the other.

I turn around and see him/her picking up my wallet off the ground. Run back and assert dominance over ladyboy to regain manhood. Grab my shit and begin drunkenly chastising her(I’m gonna stick with female pronouns) and telling her off for poor morals. She does not speak English but I really feel like I’m making an impact. She solemnly stares at me until my rant is finished and then asks “you want boom boom?”…I think I got through to her.

After that, I continue my walk home and pass by whippet vendors on the street. For those of you who have not seen Steve-o: Demise and Rise (available for free on Youtube, highly recommend it), whippets are little gas canisters that you inhale via a balloon. These are sold on the street in Thailand and cost 50 baht each.


I decide this would be a good time to try out my haggling skills even though that’s the equivalent of $2. Say I’ll pay 20 baht. Thai man is not impressed with my offer and remains firm with the price. Improvise alternative haggling tactic. I will juggle his canisters in an attempt to win his affection. A sound plan in theory; however, I don’t know how to juggle. The canisters fall to the ground and bounce away. Receive angry stare from Thai man. Offer to buy balloon for full price. He refuses to sell it to me. Officially the only tourist banned from buying whippets.

I wake up early the next morning to prepare for my 14-hour train ride from Bangkok to Chiang Mai. I buy my ticket from a travel agency for 980 baht. The people on the seat next to me paid 650. I’ve been duped.

The compartment I’m in is air-conditioned and has two bunk beds. Very comfortable. I sleep for the majority of the ride.

I wake up and need to go to the bathroom. Still pretty groggy. Go to use bum gun. Surprise enema! Water pressure is equivalent to that of a fire hose. Wide awake and feel slightly violated.

I arrive in Chiang Mai and meet Arie and Kelly. We hang out for most of the day and go to a temple. Toward the night we split up and I go pass out. Arie hits me up on Facebook to get drinks, but I’ve already fallen asleep. I message him the next day and he tells me that he’s in the hospital because a guy smashed a bottle in his face and broke his teeth. Moral of the story: don’t be the first person I meet in a new place. Apparently you’ll either end up in jail or with a bottle to the face.