What you’re gonna want to do is cook the same fucking shit every fucking day. The key here is to have no variation, so that with every meal you’re slightly disappointed.
Start off the day with a banana yogurt smoothie. Mmmmm, mediocre! An important step here is to make sure that your roommates steal your yogurts, so that some mornings you won’t even be able to make your shitty smoothie.
Next, is an egg quesadilla thing. First, crack three eggs directly into a pan. Despite the numerous warnings you’ve received throughout your lifetime, whisk the eggs using a metal fork, so that you scrape the pan and tiny pan particles get into your food. This gives your body some much needed iron and cancer.
Then, slice up some turkey, mix it in with the eggs, and dump the whole thing into a tortilla. The final step is to slather it in ketchup, because nothing says a nutritious breakfast quite like high-fructose corn syrup and red food coloring!
For lunch, it’s time to take a dip in the ocean for your maritime meal of the day: canned tuna. As you open the cans, let the fishy aroma wash over you like a soothing sea breeze – really savor the poor substitute for cat food that you’re about to ingest.
Place the tuna in a bowl, add some lardy mayonnaise, and stir up that bowl of sadness (note: sometimes you’ll replace the mayo with barbecue sauce, just to taste something fucking different).
Put the tuna in some bread, grill it, and chow down. I’ve heard warnings about eating too much canned tuna, but this chef feels that it’s the mercury poisoning that really gives the sandwich that extra kick.
Next, head to the gym, and follow it up with a protein shake. Your protein of choice should be OptiMass BEEF.
You drink this shake in a futile attempt to gain weight. The real solution would be to consume more calories, but this would mean eating more of your shitty food, and having the body-type of a dementor is preferable to that.
For 1st dinner (at around 6:00 p.m.), make some depressing pasta. First, you’re going to set some water to boil. Be sure to take a nap and forget about it so that all of the water boils off. Then, repeat this process but without the nap.
Once the water is boiling, toss in a vague amount of pasta. Always be unsure how much pasta to add, so that some days you’ll have way too much and other days not enough.
Next, head to the fridge to get some beef. There won’t be any because you’ll have forgotten to go to the market, but that’s okay because your roommates have some. Remember those stolen yogurts from this morning? This gives you carte blanche to take whatever it is you want from the fridge, perpetuating the endless cycle of missing food.
Once the pasta and beef are ready, throw them on a plate and slop on some store bought marinara sauce. Then, top it all off with some crushed red peppers – these are added in an attempt to keep your taste buds from committing suicide. As with the pasta, always be unsure how much to add, so that sometimes you’ll overdo things and your meal will be a tasteless fiery abomination.
And finally, 2nd dinner (at around 9:00 p.m.). Some nights, your Spanish roommates will offer to make you dinner at this time. If this happens, say a silent thank you to the lord of free food and graciously accept.
Other times, they’ll mysteriously be out of meat, in which case you’ll be left to fend for yourself. Refer to the items above (smoothie, quesadilla thing, tuna) and double down.
After a few months of this, every meal you make will be about as appealing to eat as a bowl of soggy belly button lint. The silver lining is that eventually all of the mercury and cancer that you’ve been eating should kill you, and you won’t have to eat your horrendous cooking anymore. Unless of course you end up in Hell, because I imagine that Satan has a similar culinary style.